Sufi Soup

Marital Ice

2007-01-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

I have concluded that my husband and I in fact have an icy marriage right now.

This is a complicated nest of problems, and I am sure that I cannot possibly write a diplomatic or objective account of things seeing as I am blinded by my bias and only know my experience of the situation. God-willing I will try and tell things as objectively as I can...

Our relationship has not been in good shape really since 2003 when I had a nervous breakdown, got suicidal and was involuntarily hospitalized for 24 hours.

We had difficulties before this happened; mainly, whenever I would get upset about something and start my depressed-girl crying routine, he'd ice over. This still happens, and is a hudge part of our discord, in my opinion. ...and of course I can help by trying to not scream and yell. I can't see myself ever stopping from crying when I'm upset, though.

Ok so this is how it goes. He totally shuts down towards me. He slams the door in my face sometimes, he frequently calls me "crazy", and talks down to me/ treats me like I am beneath him. He is very condescending, self-righteous, and shows no empathy, mercy, or compassion towards me when I am obviously disturbed. He once threw a cup of (cold, thank God) coffee on me and my first child when he was about 5 months old when he was angry at me. I should've known then to get out and fast, eah? I don't know....

It used to be that he would discuss things with me later when I wasn't crying anymore. Then it turned into I had to write it on paper for him to read it, and he answered me on paper. Then he stopped answering me on paper. Now this has escalated to a point where he refuses to have a discussion with me about anything, verbally or on paper. No discussion, no compromise, no give and take. He's told me "if you don't like something I'm doing, then divorce me, no compromise". My way or the highway....

WTF? This is not a relationship.

I told him if he won't live up to he committment he made to me when he married me, then he should divorce me. That's such a pussy thing to do, to try and drive me to divorce him! I told him to be a man and either live up to what he committed to or else be a man and divorce me! I even called him a pussy once in this context. Yes, I called him a name, but he pushed me way over the edge.

Another hudge problem, that I face, is that he is constantly sleeping all day and up at night. This has been ever since we got married. He even did it in Qatar when he was supposed to be watching the kids (I was working) and we employed a maid, whom he had labeled as dangerous with the children, someone we shouldn't leave them unsupervised with!

I understand if it's the day after he worked all night; that is only fair. But what about when it's his 3rd day off in a row, and I wake up at 6:30 am only to find he's been up all night, is drunk, and just now going to bed? This is totally unfair to me. He has 4 days off a week and spends at least half of the day sleeping. I think I could tolerate this to some extent if it did not involve any alcohol, and if it wasn't the only problem - but it's not. ...And he behaved this way even when he didn't have a job where he worked nights! That was the real kicker for me. I thought for so long that he was just off schedule because of the working at night. I even believed him when he said he needed to have maintenance sleep, ie sleep at least some of the same hours of the day that he's off as when he's working, to keep his ciradian rhythms in order. Well, we sure found out that wasn't the case while living in Qatar now didn't we! He was normally up all night and sleeping in the day while we lived in Qatar. I frequently had to have the maid wake him up at 10 am, because he was late picking me up from work to come home and nurse the baby.

I have now concluded that he doesn't have one shred of respect for me. He has consistently treated me more and more condescendingly since my psychotic break in 2003. He guised it under the appearance of wanting to "help me" there in the beginning. He created this "code word" in 2005, with the idea that he would say the code word when he deemed I was "escalating", ie. becoming out of hand, which now I would say is any time I get emotional he wants me to shut it off like a spicket of water. His code word was "camel stick",( this word's function was to conjure up the image of the domineering Arabic husband who would beat his disrespectful wife with a camel stick).

Now he refuses to interact with me on any level if I have a conflict I want to bring to the table. He refuses to even read my notes. I started writing things down on paper because he asked me to, he said he would respond to me in turn in writing but never has. He treats me like I'm just a psychotic crazy person who is delusional, out of touch with reality, someone who just wants to cause trouble, etc.

Yesterday he called me, in anger, a "mental retard". It was over something silly, I made an honest mistake, I started parking in the grass, not seeing that right in front of me was the sign that said "no parking in the grass". He wasn't joking, he said it with full seriousness and anger and frustration in his voice and it really hurts me to be treated this way.

Then later in the evening he got unusually angry with me because I bought a sandwich and didn't see that it had pork in it. Well, I read the label but in fine print it read that it had pork in it but I sure couldn't see it. It also had in hudge letters at the top of the package, "hot chicken fast". Who would know that a sandwich labeled like that wasn't chicken, but pork? It was totally an honest mistake.
He basically proceeded to have an angry way out of acceptable tone of frustration towards me...almost as though he was one step away from accusing me of buying it on purpose. He was way overly wrathful over my mistake, I really didn't deserve to be treated this way. I got heated and we started arguing, of course in front of the kids...I don't want to argue in front of them, but it just sort of happened, (he accused me of intentionally bringing them into it. Yikes!) I'm not doing much intentional these days just trying to survive. I am totally just in the moment, my frustration and hurt from him are so deep and long that I can't really plan my reactions or actions towards him much any more. The tension is just too high.

Florence Y'all

2006-11-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

We've recently moved back to the states. We're in Florence, KY, which is famous for it's bizarre water tower.

This is a bedroom community to Cincinnati, Ohio.

Apparently Cincinnatians are too racist to live anywhere near black folks, so they head for clan country (Florence, KY; or other clone-ish suburbs draped in grey conformist architecture) to escape even the most remote possibiity that they might actually have a black family as their neighbors.

That however is not our reason for being here; we were set up with a mack-daddy deal in free corporate housing by my dear hubby's place of employment, so it was off to Grey Clone Clanville for us!

Yes indeed, this is the last place we thought we'd find happiness, what with the giant barns-for-houses-that-cost-gawdawful-much-filled-with-folks-who-lobbied-to-keep-the-muslims-out; But alas, we are indeed happy here. My son loves his first-grade class, and I find it very accessible to all that I need.

So never say never. You will definitely then get what you swore you would never have!

Stuck on Step 5

2006-05-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck on step five. I keep telling my self really great excuses, like "there's nobody around I can really trust," etc. and so forth.... but it's really a distortion. If I really wanted to do this I could figure it out.

The fact is that I'm scared #$%^-less! It would be great if me overcoming depression could be someone else or my circumstance's fault, ya know?

Oh well...better just bite my finger, close my eyes and get it over with!

2006-01-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

Have been waking up for a week now with terrible body aches and feeling of getting too much sleep. Am grouchy, low energy, really hard to get motivated about anything much. Anxiety level is definitely elevated too.

I have been off of the antidepressant now for about a month, maybe a little bit more.

I can really feel that I need to exercise, but it' s sooo difficult to do!

Oh God, please give me the energy and will to do what I know my body needs. Help me to see and truly experience the simple pleasures and delight in the everyday. Amen.

SIMPLE GIFTS

2006-01-11T22:38:00.000-08:00

'Tis the gift to be simple,'Tis the gift to be free,'

Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

It will be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,

to bow and to bend, we will not be ashamed

To turn, turn, will be our delight,

'Til by turning, turning, we come round right.

Simple Gifts was written by Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett, Jr. in 1848. It was first published in The Gift to be Simple: Shaker Rituals and Songs.

Simple Gifts was a work song sung by the United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing (more commonly called the Shakers), whose last community in America (Hancock Village) died in 1960. It is now a museum.

Dysfunctional family unit

2006-01-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

I am having a hard time dealing with my parents. They are bizarre.

They have a history of being really unsupportive of any decisions I make in my life that don’t fit in with who they are. I mean, pathologically unsupportive, to the point that my mother especially can be emotionally abusive and damaging.

Well, right now is one of those times.

The last time they communicated with me was a couple of weeks ago; we Yahoo-ed on messenger, and I asked my mother why she and my father are not spending Christmas with the extended family in Indiana. (the last Christmas I spent in the states, December 2003, I begged them to come spend it with me in Florida, knowing it was my last one in the states for a very long time. I didn't have the money to come to Indiana, and hubby didn't have enough time off work to make it up there. My mother stated at that time that she and my dad were going to "...spend every single Christmas with Grama until she died", that being with her was most important. So, they didin’t come to be with me).

Now every Christmas since I left they have left Indiana, where my Grandmother is still very much alive and well, to spend Christmas in Florida, where I used to live, with their retired friends, not with “the family,” that mother so adamantly stated was more important (than me) 2 years ago.

So, when I asked her why she’s going to florida and not staying with Grama, in Indiana, she said “Well, there’s not anything there for us, we have no children, no reason to be there”. !!!!!!

“No children”….?????? What the hell am I? What kind of mother says she has no children when she is talking to her grown daughter?

A pathological, evil mother, that’s who.

So, sent them a Christmas gift anyhoo in spite of her evil-ness. Haven’t heard anything from them, yay or nay. Sent them this “1,000 golf courses you should play before you die” coffee table book, a golf ball engraver, along with with a book called “Daughters of a different path”, a book about western women who have converted to Islam.

I know they are probably having a difficult time processing the fact that I am muslim, so I sent this book to try and help them process it.

I am really enraged that they are simply not responding. If they are angry or upset or something because I sent this book, why can’t they just tell me that? If not, then why can’t they just send a simple thank you?

What is so difficult about just communicating?

Instead they do nothing, then later at another date I know my mother will say some terribly passive-aggressive, awful comment.

She wants to piss me off and have some hudge confrontation/argument.

Well, I won’t give her the satisfaction!

It really bothers me that apparently they haven’t gotten their internet connection going at their place in Florida. Either they haven’t connected it or they have and they aren’t going to let me know that they have. That is some lame excuse.

I live on the other side of the world and they intentionally don’t hook up their internet, their only way to reasonably communicate with me. What does she want, for me to call in a panic, worried about her because I haven’t heard from her? That’s messed up shit.

Man, I am their only child and they treat me like this? What have I done to deserve them acting like this towards me?

Nothing. I don’t deserve it, and nothing I did or do could possibly cause them to act this way. Nobody deserves to be treated this way by their parents.

It’s shitty, but it’s reality. I can’t control their behavior. They are acting like dysfunctional teenagers. She is acting like a dysfunctional teenager.

She is in control of the computer, not my dad. For all I know she could be lying to my dad and pretending that she’s communicated with me. Ah, but it's a sin for me to commit suspiscion.

Step Four

2005-12-29T21:07:00.000-08:00

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

Why is this step so monumentally difficult? I know I just have to bite the bullet and jump right in and do it.

As we say in EA, it works if you work it.

The Disease of Selfishness

2005-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

Pondering the hypothesis that depression is the disease of selfishness. The cure is to be selfless, in a constructive, spiritual sense, not in a negative way of course.

Dear God, please help me to fight this disease and to be as self-less as possible, helping others when they need it.

Hmmmm, I think the prayer of St. Francis is in order;

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master,grant that I may not so much seekto be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

ok again

2005-12-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

I'm ok, suddenly, again.

Spouse and I discussed how we can both express our feelings to each other, but not cut each other down in the midst of our anger. It was a good talk. It's ok to feel angry etc but not ok to say awful things in our anger just to hurt someone, to "get them back".

Now I am just trying to deal with the politics at my work. I wish people would just shut up and help the children. There is so much back stabbing. Find a happy place, find a happy place......
Hello, are we like in the third grade or are we adults teaching in a school? Thank God for the few really dynamite good folks at that place. Without them, it would be so bad.

Looking at myself I see that I am pretty much growing to resent everything around me and feel like a victim...you know what that means....

TIME FOR STEP 4!!!!

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself".

discouraged

2005-12-07T01:34:00.000-08:00

I am really discouraged. I need outside support. Who can that be? Friends shouldn't hear this crap. I dont' want to speak badly about my spouse to friends. How awkward, how rude. Therapists are sunshine enemas. Who is left?

My one support person now resents me and thinks of me as my illness, not as me. I am a monster. I am a thing that must be fought off. No respect for me anymore. Belittles me in front of others. I can't make even the slightest error without getting severely reprimanded and belittled. I was told that I am "getting worse" and "not getting better" when I showed annoyance because someone moved my cd case from the place I had left it, and then another time when I politely called the driver who was supposed to pick me up for work and asked him to come back, (he forgot me).

There are certain things, inappropriate, uncalled for things, counterproductive, uncaring things, that are said out of spite and anger, that you just can't forget someone has said to you/about you. Like (repeatedly) saying ..."if it weren't for the kids I'd be divorcing you..." (because you are depressed); or how about being called crazy, in front of my kids, in front of other adults, when I am acutally doing quite well and not having terrible behavior. I am a human being. I am not perfect. I can't take much more of this punitive treatment. I need support, things that reinforce me when I am doing well, not punishment and hurt when I make a small, miniscule, hairsplitting mistake.

Thanks for the unconditional love. Not.

Only God is perfect.

This treatment is;

Demeaning.

Dehumanizing.

Not respectful of me.

Not giving me the dignity I deserve.

Personification of my Nafs

2005-12-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

There is this horrible man at my job, who just so happens to have all of the power over all of the “worldly” parts of my life!!!

He is in charge of;

Getting me (and all employees) all supplies needed at work. Always halfway accomplished by him. Always really late.

Getting broken things fixed at work. Always done halfway, jerryrigged etc.

He’s the biggest saboteur in the universe.
-------------------------------------------
This jerk is also in charge of bringing me (and all employees at my job) to this country (airplane tickets, scheduling, etc.). The “travel agent” he uses is the biggest gangster I’ve ever met. Actually, everyone he does business with from outside our workplace are all pretty gangster-ish. Yikes.

When I accepted this job, I waited for at least 2 months for him to send me my airplane tickets and get me here. My new employee coming this week has waited for 3! Poor chap, he and his wife quit their jobs, shipped all of their personal posessions here (which have already arrived, way before them!), and have been living with their parents, just waiting for the freaking tickets to come so they can get here!

All of this, because Mr. Gangster apparently gets cheap thrills from watching others suffer. This snake is the most evil, conniving pawn of Satan I have seen in my life. Really, he has to be short-changing people intentionally.

Problems like these don’t happen this often randomly. It’s statistically impossible. So, what kind of a human being consistently gives others the short end of the stick intentionally? I’ll tell you….an evil, awful, despicable person, that’s who.

Oh, but it gets even more terrible, especially when you consider another aspect of the situation I haven’t touched on yet; this guy is shafting children who are handicapped. He is not getting them the necessary wheelchairs they need to be sitting comfortably, orthopaedically, etc. I mean, it’s not just a matter of oh, the kids aren’t happy, they are picky or something. These are kids with severe handicapps; cerebral palsy, degenerative brain disorders, etc. For instance, one girl has her legs just dangling off the edge of her wheelchair; her back is therefore carrying all of the stress of the weight of her body pulling/pushing on it. By not getting these kids the correct wheelchairs, he is effectively torturing innocent kids!

How many cirlces of hell are there? He will definitely be in the lowest circle of Hell.

I am pretty sure this clown is embezzeling money. It’s the only thing that makes sense that could explain the company and it’s employees’ situation. So many things just can’t be missing, broken, or half-assed, under “natural conditions”.

It’s a trickle-down flow of cash, so as long as the rich guy above him that runs the show (funds our place of work) isn’t hurt, this bozo isn’t accountable to anyone; he can do whatever he wants to the rest of us; we are beneath him. There’s no system of checks-and-balances here in this country. Dorothy is definitely not in Kansas anymore.

The gangster is also in charge of getting me (and all employees) suitable housing, and helping when something goes wrong with the housing situation. Basically we're SOL.

He also was the one who “helped us” when we were new to the country; he “helped us” rent this terribly nasty car that was falling apart (front bumper to be precise), was full of cigarette butts/smoke/smell/and ashes. He also actually allowed one of his “guys” to drive around for 2 whole days, knowing that it was rented for me and that I would have to pay for the damn thing, before he handed it over to us (with no gas in it of course, he ran it all the way down to empty). We found this out after we were finished with the car (we had it for 2 months) and went to turn it in and pay. We knew the first day the driver from my place of work had delivered it to us; we knew the starting date, right? Wrong! Come to pay the bill and the first day of rental was Thursday, not Saturday! The snake-in-the-grass’s driver had played in our rental car, on our pocket, for 2 whole days! Yee-gods!

He is a gigantic obstacle in the way of success for our place of work.

So, what does this all mean?

I keep asking myself, there has got to be some lesson here. God doesn’t put such an outstandingly difficult person/situation in my life for no reason. There is a reason I am seeing this. There is a reason this is happening to me.

I figured it out. This guy is the personification of my Nafs. My Nafs, just like this gangster, is up to no good. The Nafs want to control all aspects of my life. They want to have power, Absolute Power.

Just like this gangster at work, they like having power, and if the Nafs have power without a system of checks-and-balances (connection with God, Tasawuuf, prayer, Presence, etc.) in place, they will abuse this power, and make everything and everyone within their power suffer, just for fun! Just for their trifling gain! Suffer, just so I can watch you writhe! (ie my First, my Nafs effect my Psyche, all of my thoughts; all of my thoughts in turn effect all of my emotions; my emotions are effecting my actions and my body/somatic system; my actions effect all of my relationships with other people, my performance at work, etc.).

THE EMOTIONAL BULLY

2005-11-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

I have realized something about my Nafs. It likes to be an emotional bully. Whenever it isn’t getting what it wants, it thinks that if I scream and yell, and throw fits, cry, look hysterical, and what-not, it will get what it wants.

My mother has reinforced this pattern all of my life, and still tries to. 2 years ago, after my Break, I realized I have had a seriously co-dependant relationship with her (she was my enabler for my disfunctional emotional states) for all of my life.

Right before my Break, the empathy-rich pity party didn’t happen as my Nafs’expected reward for its continual bouts of screaming, yelling, & hysterical crying. I wasn’t getting what I wanted and was accustomed to receiving in response to the emotional turmoil I was creating. My Nafs were in overdrive. They drove me right into a Psychotic Break, wherein I lost touch with Reality, couldn’t stop screaming, and threatened to commit suicide by pouring Coleman fuel over myself, then lighting it.

I am observing similar attempts from my Nafs now. I cannot allow it to think that I am in control of my life situation. I must remember that Allah is the ultimate judge and holds the last say.

Reading Qu’ran and remembering it’s verses is so extremely helpful to get me through this tough time in my life. Alhumdulillah, Praise God for the blessings of the revealations in the Qu’ran.

I see a pattern to myself; I base my ruminations on reality, but the Truth gets distorted through The Lens and the conclusions and subsequent actions I partake in are Delusional. I have a real problem with Pride; An inflated sense of Entitlement, (I am sooo arrogant!), Justification based on The Truth, Fairness, etc.

I thought that I couldn’t possibly live through my Senior Year of High School; I thought that my life would be literally intolerable & that I couldn’t possibly be even a mediocre Mother if I didn’t move to Ohio and live in the (extremely disfunctional) folds of my extended family (in 2003)…

Now, My Nafs want me to think that living in this compound is an unjustafiably dangerous environment for my children, and a severe hardship for me and my family to live in. We are American for goodness sakes! My employer couldn’t possibly expect us to continue to live under these conditions, to live in this slum! Don’t they want to protect their “investment” (me)?

Don’t they know that I am not working here for the money, that we actually took over a 50% pay cut to come work here? We are here for Allah, we made Hijrah, and to get out of America, to not pay taxes to King George’s War (which fund pre-emptive bloody wars in places like Iraq and Afghanistan). We are not making 5x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not making 2 or 3x the salary we could make back in our home country; we are not even making 100% of the salary we did make back in our home country!

O contraire, we are making BELOW 50% of the salary we WERE MAKING in the States! Don’t they know that having a nice house here is one of the only cards they have to play with me as their employee? Don’t they care?

They promised me a furnished villa in a compound with certain amenities; a playground, a swimming pool, a clubhouse, a tennis court. Well, aside from all of the things malfunctioning inside this villa (electrical outlets are included! Dangerous! ), the pool is breaking and unsafe; the playground is so unsafe I cannot ethically allow my children to play there; and the clubhouse has been closed by management for an indefinite amount of time. I do not now live in a villa with these amenities. Thus, it looks like my employer is not living up to what they promised me, to what lured me to come for this job. They are breaking their promise. I want to call them names. At my worst emotional moments now, it seems like it would feel so good to hate them, and to quit the job over this issue.

Then, my Nafs want to say,

“Good luck finding someone to replace me! That would be like finding a needle in a haystack! I know for a fact that I am a rare find. Hiring a Muslim with my particular credentials in the field in which I specialize is not an easy task (sorry but I don’t want to reveal too much identifying information here). I know this, because we have been searching for more people for the department with my same profile and they simply don’t exist. The few who do are land-locked, they all come from a country whose passport is not allowed to enter and/or work inside of this country”.

After reading over what I have just written, I see quite a bit of; Entitlement, Pride, & Arrogance. Any other insights would be most appreciated.
-EA12stepper

The illusion of control

2005-11-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

My ego (nafs in Sufi terminology) really loves to think it has full control. A real sense of entitlement; the original sin of humanity, pride.

Right now I'm dealing with problems with my house. A lot of dangers in the compound I live in. Mostly has to do with electricity, pretty dangerous stuff. It's not a matter of not liking the furniture, or that my toilet seats are all falling off. There are lights every few meters out in the compound environment which are jerry-rigged and dangerous. It's not safe to halfass fix electrical items!

I think I am in control, making my arguments to my employer, who is ultimately the one who can vouchsafe a different housing arrangement for me. But really, it's God who has the last say, who is in control. I have to remember that. The Qu'ran tells us that all good things and bad things in our lives come from God; we are given these blessings, and hardships, to test our Faith. ...and the ultimate paradise is in the afterlife. Worldly enjoyments are transient and will fade, but with God is our ultimate paradise. I have to keep sight of this. It's so easy to want the material luxuries.

Step 3

2005-11-11T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

Step 2

2005-11-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

POME=POWERLESS OVER MY EMOTIONS

2005-11-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

EMOTIONS ANONYMOUS

STEP ONE

I admit that I am powerless over my emotions — that my life has become unmanageable.

2005-11-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

I’m starting this web diary to help myself focus.

With depression, especially the way mine manifests, it’s not always clear how I really feel or what I really think.

I tend to have a bad habit of morphing myself with the opinion of others and/or the dominant culture and values that are around me, and suppressing my true beliefs so well that I don’t even realize I am behaving in a way that is contrary to how I actually believe!

Eventually, usually in a disfunctional way, my real beliefs come thorugh subconsciously. I end up appearing pretty darn fragmented and scattered; in worst cases, I look like a liar, and/or extremely labile.

So, God-willing, by writing here I hope to get more in touch with my Essential Self. In Sufism, we talk about how when we are disconnected from our higher power we become fragmented, and when we are connected to our higher power, we are emancipated from this fragmentation and are integrated into our Essential Self. This is being Human at it’s best, and God-willing I will be doing this.

Some entries, I am just going to vent. Feel free to just skip over those entries, as they will basically just be bitch sessions.

I find it's better for me to write out negative emotions, than to carry them out verbally. A lot less conflict happens this way, and I usually end up being able to sort through my psychological noise and find the meat of what I really need to communicate.

Effective communication is so difficult to accomplish when one is depressed. Negative emotions keep getting in the way. It's so frustrating to me, because the result is that no communication happens. The person I am trying to communicate with gets bombarded by my emotional outburst (anger, attempts at manipulation, etc) and therefore is unable to even hear what I am trying to discuss.

So, I find it's much more effective to write while I am emotionally charged, and then sort through things to figure out what I want to communicate, then give just that to the person, in writing, so my emotions don't get in the way.

Oh, BTW, I am really good at understanding and articulating general concepts, and horrible at the details. Please forgive me ahead of time for this flaw!

More soon to come…..